News for 1 April 2023

I have something amazing to report. After doing my own extensive research on the Internets, that proves Graham Hancock’s theory of an ancient civilization is wrong. In fact, it’s just repackaging of stories by fantasy writers like Robert E. Howard and H.P. Lovecraft.

Ardia: our extraterrestrial origin

My research, conducted over a whole hour on the Internet from my home office, has found the truth. Hang onto your tinfoil hat—this could literally (I mean, figuratively) blow it right out the window, and it’s still chilly outside.

About 170,000 years ago, a highly developed civilization calling itself Ardia left their home planet to escape a war that destroyed their home planet. Highly intelligent, the survivors of Ardia had technology based on a mysterious power source that we modern humans cannot begin to guess at, let alone understand. But this amazing technology enabled the Ardians to cross the gulf of interstellar space toward a yellow, mid-size star.

This amazing disc-world was many times the diameter of our current Earth (I’ll explain what I mean by “current Earth” in a few paragraphs), and it was inhabited by a huge range of wonderful species of plants and animals.

The Ardians recognized this as a place they could use as a new home world. There were plants they could use as food, as they were all strictly vegan. They knew they could also use birds as keys to their world-spanning civilization, and they were drawn to cats, which they regarded as gods. (This is a belief that persists to this day among most of Western civilization, and elsewhere. Especially by cats.)

The Ardians landed their many saucer-shaped spacecraft on the disc, they called “Predvy,” which in their language meant “haven” or “refuge.” They founded an amazing civilization called Lavis and used their star-spanning saucers as a power source.

Lavis was a benevolent dictatorship, dedicated to peace and sustainable, harmonious development; the supreme leader was chosen every 100 years by a slam poetry competition judged by the cat-gods.

Ancient technology indistinguishable from divinity

Ardian technology gave them godlike abilities, including immortality, eternal health and beauty, the power of unaided flight, telekinesis and mind-to-mind communication over vast distances.

Seeing stones, similar to the “palantiri” in Tolkien’s stories (genetic memory?) enabled communication analogous to our instant messaging. They also had a worldwide communication network comparable to the Internet, carried on microscopic transceivers attached to the heads of migratory birds. This would survive the millennia in the term “bird-brain.”

Over the next 10,000 years, the Ardian civilization flourished and its population grew in number, intelligence and beauty.

When they arrived, they were almost indistinguishable from modern humans, just a little taller with thick hair. No one was bald, unless they wanted to be. They could control the weather, ensuring the optimal amounts of warmth, sunlight and rain to preserve the civilization-nature balance indefinitely. The Ardians also developed new technologies and abilities, like the ability to shoot lightning out of their fingertips and talk with fish.

Ragnarok: lizard-men versus god-men

The warm, gentle climate provided everything the people and all other species required. But it also prompted evolution of a reptilian species into a humanlike race, the Draconians.

After 10,000 years, the Draconians emerged from their underground tunnel and began a war for the dominance of Predvy. They wanted to use the power from the now-grounded flying saucers to bring the orbiting sun closer to the ground, because lizards love heat.

About 150,000 years ago, the Draconians tried to seize the Ardians’ power generating system. The battle resulted in a cataclysmic explosion that split the disc-planet into eight major, roughly spherical fragments, some rocky and some mostly gas, and thousands of smaller fragments of rock and ice. The starships all fell into the star, vastly expanding it to the sun we know today and thus making it the centre of gravity. This resulted in the solar system we know today. The only habitable planet is our current Earth (told you I’d explain that).

The portion of Predvy that became Earth entered an ice age. Ardian civilization, bereft of its sustaining power source and perfect climate, fell into barbarism. Their bird-based internet fell apart and all their seeing stones were swallowed by spreading glaciers.

The survivors tried to pass on their knowledge of science and agriculture, but faded as a result of the disastrous decline in their circumstances. They lost all their technology and their godlike powers, including immortality.

Since then, Earth’s climate has gradually warmed and the ice sheets retreated, albeit with repeating cycles of cooling and glaciation.

Most of the Draconians, the lizard people, ended up on Venus, but a small group, the remnants of the battle for the Ardian power station, were on Earth, and moved underground. They remain on Earth to this day, attempting to influence humanity through tunnels linked to secret basements below pizza restaurants. However, they are kept in check by a secret Ardian society, the last to retain some of the Ardian civilization and philosophy, called the Trafalgar Executive.

Meanwhile, humanity has just as gradually recalled some of the knowledge, agriculture and technology of the Ardians, our godlike forebears. But we have a long way to go.

So there we have it: a full explanation of our extraterrestrial ancestry, which unifies the theories of the flat earth, spherical earth, lizard people, climate change, and ice age civilizations that taught us agriculture, with proof from ancient inscriptions.

Outdo that, Graham Hancock!

The rest of you readers: note the date of this blog post.