Butte, MO (Wasturn Standurd Wire): The states of Montana and North Dakota have seceded from the United States and joined Canada as the 11th and 12th provinces.
By Canadian nomenclature law, they will be renamed “Siksikia” and “Lakota.”
Greg Gianforte, formerly the Governor of Montana, and Kelly Armstrong, former Governor of North Dakota, announced the change of country at a press opportunity today.
Scott Moe and Danielle Smith, premiers respectively of Saskatchewan and Alberta, joined by Skype. “It was a real b***h getting this obsolete sofware to work,” said Moe.
Effective immediately, Montana and North Dakota will cease to be the 41st and 39th states, respectively. Complete change of websites, stationery and so on to Siksikia and Lakota is expected to take three months.
“We’re doing this because [President] Trump is not de-woking the United States fast enough, and woke judges are getting in the way of the return of our country to its greatest status in the 1890s,” said now-Premier Gianforte. “When woke policies like equal rights, worker safety, votes for women, and preventing child policy didn’t get in the way of rich people making money.”
“Trump is taking too long to make America great again,” agreed former Governor, now Premier Armstrong. “Yesterday, I saw another rainbow. Okay, it was in the sky, but still.
“I see Canadian conservatives moving much faster to erase women’s rights, gay rights, and workers’ rights than the U.S. does,” possible Premier Armstrong explained. “The Canadian President—I mean, Prime Minister has a lot more power than the American one. I read that once in an op-ed from the nineties.”
Premiers Moe and Smith welcomed the potential Canadians. “The addition of Siksikia and Lakota bring more conservatives into our country, and will help ensure that Canada elects Conservative governments led by Westerners, not namby-pamby elitists from Centra Canada,” said Scott Moe of Saskatchewan. When it was pointed out that the current Conservative candidate for Prime Minister, Pierre Poilievere, represents a riding outside Ottawa, Ontario, Premier Moe said, “Well, nobody’s perfect.”
Danielle Smith, Premier of Alberta, reported that she tore up the draft of her declaration to join Alberta to the United States when she heard that Montana had applied to join Canada. “What a relief! I thought I’d have to sell my office furniture to pay for my U.S. health insurance. Now I get to keep all the benefits of being Canadian while having more guns at the same time!”
Official records obtained by the Wasturn Standurd show that Canada could not deny Montana and North Dakota’s application to join our country because they wrote such a polite, eloquent application letter. “The Governors included pictures of their pets,” said the Commissioner of Absurd Immigration, I.L. Etemin. “How could I say no to those puppy-dog eyes?”
Reached for comment, Pierre Poilievre, Leader of the Conservatives, said “What? I told those two, ‘Not just yet.’ Geez, nobody listens anymore.”
Prime Minister Mark Carney sighed deeply. “I had couriers ready to take Smith’s letter to Washington. It looks like we’re still stuck with Alberta.”
Canadians from outside the ninth, tenth, eleventh and twelfth provinces have until the end of today to sign a card welcoming the new additions, or a petition to build a wall around all four provinces.
Make your voice heard on the Wasturn Standurd’s survey page.